Women do not wish to be dominated by men– Authority in relationships and why it kills marriage.

The greatest mistake I observe in the modern perception of relationships and the way male chauvinists perceive relationships, is that we equalize economy/Politics and marriage. See, in the economy we want men and women to compete for authority. In politics, both men and women can be leaders. In Germany, our last chancellor, Angela Merkel, was a woman. Now, I hear from a lot of radical conservatives and male chauvinists that the fact most women wish to be with a man who is more dominant than them, leads them, provides for them, and is a bit of an asshole, is evidence that men naturally are the sex, determined to lead and guide women, even control them. Men like less dominant women, women more dominant men, so that must already show us, who should have authority over whom.

However, it is an entirely false assumption that women want no equal distribution of authority, just like men want equal distribution of love and compassion. Studies show, that couples, where both partners feel as if they have an equal voice in decision-making, are more likely to stay together.

Around 70%, of divorces, are initiated by women. The question is whose fault is that? I think both are at fault. Society is at fault because we normalized selfishness in men and, at the same time, normalized distrust toward them. I will explain in a minute what I mean by that.

Yet, sex and relationship are always used as an excuse for an unequal distribution of authority and against female power.

But I mean, if the first word that comes to your mind, when you think about a relationship, is authority, not love, compassion, and trust, your perception of marriage must be totally off.

See, marriage is not about authority. It is not about competition, it is not a business, but most people are treated as such in a marriage and then we wonder, why the divorce rates are so high. It is always the question, “what advantage do I have being with this person”, or “can I date higher than this?”.

But marriage should be something entirely else. To explain that to you more deeply, let me use an analogy:

I am a dancer, I do couples dancing. We call one partner Lead, a role usually men have, and the other partner follow, usually the role of the woman. Now the term “Lead” implies that again, the man guides the woman. Conservatives often portray women as less competent and strong than men. They claim women need guidance from men to make it in the world. Oh, how mistaken they are. Look, I am a follow in my dancing class. My partner, the lead, listens to the beat and helps me enter and leave turns, and catches me when I make falling figures. But several things are significant here.

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Even though we say the man usually leads the woman in couples’ dancing, this is actually the most egalitarian sport that exists. In most sports like football, swimming, and Tennis, we separate men and women because men are superior to women in most sports. They run faster, hit harder, and throw further than women. In Dancing class, not only do men and women do a sport together, they are actually both essential. If one is not there, there are no couples dancing. I believe that is the first condition so that a marriage can work, to agree on the premise, that men and women are both essential and equally valuable.

Secondly, No one told me to let my dancing partner guide me. It was my free will to give up some responsibility to him, to let myself fall. I give up these responsibilities so I can concentrate more on my duties because it turns out that I as a woman or relatively as a follow, have to do a lot of work, most of the work actually, I make all the turns, and difficult figures, have to listen to the beat and look elegant with everything I do. Now, isn’t it a beautiful thing, when my partner supports me by taking away my worries about when to enter a turn? And ultimately when I make a falling figure, I don’t just let myself fall into his arms, I actually stretch my back, and carry most of my own weight, so my partner doesn’t have to do that. However, if I don’t trust my partner to have good intentions to catch me, if I slip and fall to the ground or if I believe he is too weak to catch me, I will simply not let myself fall, because that is a risk I am not willing to take as a follow. And that is not in our interest because as follow and lead, as men and women, we share a goal: we want to make a beautiful dance and if we don’t trust each other, we won’t make a beautiful dance. If my partner is authoritarian and tells me “NOW make a turn”, I will not enjoy the dance and it won’t look fancy. You see people that are excellent dancers, they are actually communicating with their partner, synchronizing with him or her, and agreeing on what works well, what needs improvement, and how they can make this dance comfortable for both and yet beautiful to watch.

In my analogy the falling figure, is the childbearing that is often seen as a duty of women, we are birth-giving machines, and receive mostly no gratitude for our effort and the risk we are taking, often it is used as a repression tool against us. So why should we let ourselves fall? How can we trust our husbands to catch us, if the falling is almost coerced because society keeps telling us, to let us fall, even when we see so many men, not catching us, What I mean by that is that men must show support in child raising so women can trust them. Couples have to communicate with each other, they have to remember they have a common goal, to create a beautiful life together and ultimately men must never forget that we are NOT dominated by them. It is our free will to give up responsibilities to them so we can concentrate more on our tasks. When we make a falling figure, we want the man to protect us, to catch us but we don’t need him necessarily, because in the end we can all dance by ourselves, it can be a lot of fun too, but it surely is not as beautiful as a couple rocking the damn dancefloor, and falling figures are also much easier if you have someone who catches you.

So if one partner doesn’t trust the other one, the dance is simply not happening, because that is the last thing I want to stress here. Just like with dancing, in a relationship, both partners are essential. If one is missing, there is no cha cha cha, Rumba or Jive.

Now, I don’t want to forget the needs and fears of men here, because society doesn’t treat them fair either. See, sometimes a woman dances with a man and makes a falling figure. He doesn’t catch her, she falls and soon the dance is going to be over. Then she finds a new dancing partner, but she won’t make a falling figure with him because she is afraid to fall again. The new partner accepts that because in the end she is an independent woman, and can make her own decisions, right? So he tries to be the support, he is supposed to be and to have a wonderful dance, but he is not given the chance. The partner, who follows, either changes the roles and becomes Lead or she makes no turns, and no beautiful figures, making it a boring, devastating dance for both that will end soon too.

And ultimately, not every man is suited for the role of Lead and not every woman for the role of follow, in some constellations. It works better to have a fluid dance where both lead and both follow. This is quite common in dancing. My partner and I constantly change roles. I prefer to be follow, I like to make turns and take the risks, as long as I can trust my partner.

So what do you think? Are you a Christian, or a conservative? Then how do you dance with your partner?

In that sense, I wish you all a happy Christmas, have a delightful dance, and be good!

Marriage is not a cage, it’s a dance. Why do women divorce men?

Life and Logic

Yildiz Culcu

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