Or maybe you should, but only after you read this article because there might be some things you’re not considering.
Now, before you’re going to kill me, please hear me out. I am not telling anybody what to do and surely I am not saying that having children is an entirely bad thing. In fact, I believe it can be indeed a wonderful experience to have children and a pathway to a meaningful life. Not a pathway to a happy life though or a life that is validated by others, not even a life with love and peace and adventure in it. You may not fully understand what is required of you to have children and what parenthood will give you in return. Even if you already are a parent, you might not understand. Because research data often speaks a language, people don’t like. So I want to present to you the reasons why in modern times you should think twice about getting children, especially as a woman.
- A child won’t make you happy
… and that really shouldn’t be your motivation, anyway. However, we can’t deny that we all wish ourselves something in return for everything we do. With children, we always hope that we will feel more satisfied in the long run compared to our childless peers. Unfortunately, data from decades of research on that topic now shows that parenthood not only does not make people happy, it makes them the opposite; damn unhappy, I mean. Couples without children reported in a study, a more ‘’romantic bliss’’. Especially in the United States of America, researchers found data that indicates non-parents show a higher level of well-being (read more here and here). Now to be fair, we talk about correlation here and not causality. Moreover, some parents are not unhappier than their childless peers, those are parents whose kids are already out of the house, and parents who believe they are doing a great job as parents. This data applies to industrialized regions and is especially significant in countries with a non- family-friendly policy like the US. In countries like Spain and Italy, it looks quite different.
The two problems I want to stress here are first the fact that it’s quite hard to do a good job as a parent and second, it must be surprising for many of you that not having children does not automatically make your life meaningless and bitter and that you won’t end up all lonely in your old ages. At least I was surprised because society keeps telling especially us women that we need to have children so we can be happy and satisfied once we are old Ladies. So let’s go deeper into these arguments.
2. Being a good parent has become damn hard
We see people like Elon Musk keep tweeting warnings about population collapse and the urge for society to have more children. What Elon doesn’t consider is the fact that raising children in the US and other industrialized countries is an unbearable job for some people. And I don’t even talk about the financial costs and risks we have these days. I talk about what society asks parents to be and what they give them in return. Parents need to protect their kids and discipline them. The parent is to blame if the kid gets hurt. If the kid commits a crime, it’s the parent’s fault. If the kid doesn’t obey his/her teachers, then it’s the parents who did not discipline the child. Simultaneously, while asking parents to discipline their children, they are not allowed anymore to have authoritarian rules at home or they are considered poor parents as well. The child should be perfectly free, your education individualistic and parents are not really in charge no more. Yet when the child makes its free decisions and these happen to be poor ones, it’s still the parent’s fault. Your child might develop a mental illness, and it will be your fault. Your child might neglect you and you’re not allowed to criticize it because it’s the child and you’re the adult. And what if you struggle with your mental illness? Well, then close your eyes and keep going because otherwise, your child will suffer from it. Do you see what I mean? Having a child these days is a cognitive-emotional burden not comparable to old times when parents just hit the child and gave orders around the house. A time when children were supposed to care for their parents once they were old. We abandoned this tradition, and that’s good, but it means that you have quite many responsibilities and emotional burdens and in return you get…
3. Nothing. This is what you receive in exchange for having children.
I don’t mean to sound bitter. And to be fair, yes, of course, you receive something in return, which is a responsibility and responsibilities have the potential to be meaningful, no doubt. However, undeniably parents, and especially mothers, are validated no more than they used to be. Society doesn’t care how hard your job as a parent is because it’s your own business and no one claps for you or pays you, and very often no one even offers the slightest support. You might get some positive emotions from your child, but it will leave the nest one day and you will have to let it go. You can’t count on your child visiting you, caring for you, or giving you something in return because that would be selfish of you to ask. I mean, the child didn’t ask to be born, now did it? And maybe your child will be difficult, evil even. How are you going to handle that? You are supposed to love that child through anything and if you don’t; you are a raven mother. If you are too weak to prevent the child from using drugs, having sex at an early age, or being disrespectful and unreasonable, then you are a raven mother. Quite a pressure, is it? People ask a lot from you, but they will not give you much in return. And this is mostly right. Are you ready to accept that? Are you ready to have a child to have a responsibility and ask for nothing in return?
4. Society might brainwash you into wanting a child
Everywhere, starting with our parents mostly, we hear that we should have children or we are going to regret our decision later in life. I showed evidence that this is not true, things are more complex, but it’s just not right to say your only pathway to a meaningful life is children when studies even revealed the opposite is true for countries like the US. Yes, many women do regret not having children once they are too old to still make some. But maybe it’s because society brainwashes them into thinking they should be resentful about it. One way or another, your decision should not depend on how other people feel. You have to decide what you want in life and wanting children surely is a natural desire and children can be a wonderful company; they are quite funny sometimes and even inspiring. However, you will face difficulties. Your well-being will most likely decrease once you have infants and your motivation for having children should never be based on selfish reasons.
So ask yourself: why do I want to have kids? Am I ready for the hardships? Will I be a good parent? Because that’s what’s going to make you happy in the end as well.
I want children for myself, so I wasn’t trying to argue against parenthood. I just know that once I will have children, virtue and meaning will motivate me, not selfish motives.
Thank you for reading till the closing.
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